Sleepless night.

As the title suggest, I have trouble sleeping. I can’t sleep, for no apparent reason.And I’m blogging from my BB, Yes I am that desperate.

I have tonnes of memories stacked up in my secret shelves, where I hide my embarrassing stash of scribbles which I like to call it poems, and the famous biodatas, as well as my memories from PLKN.

PLKN always have the sweetest spot in my heart, dun be fooled by the statement. I say so because of my haywire emotions that I was encountering at that point of moment. I am not an adventurous person. I was cursing when I found out that I have to serve the nation after my SPM. For 3 Months. Yeap, crazy, I know.

You know what’s worst? I had to go on the first day of a brand new year, that was 1/1/2006. So you can imagine how I felt about the whole thing. I grew a romantic affair with my hp which I dread of the thought of parting with it. It was horrible. And, to think that I dun get to speak to my friend, *texting as well*, it just kills me.

Life was meaningless until I was introduced to the true meaning of exercise and independence, well it became much pointless. It’s like a sound of a ticking bomb, any moment I am gonna burst out crying from the agony of blisters from the stupid boots, as well as the pain in my body after exercising which I can never get used to.

The food was tasteless despite of being served for 6 times a day. The whole camp was designed to torment us, ME.

We were located in Mersing, a place where we can see the waves of the sea, hear the sweet symphony coming from the waves, but you can never swim, or play at the sea. The best thing about the whole camp was the sea, and the sunrise, and sunsets, and of course full moon.

Eventually, everything got better. The food was really amazing after they change the caterer. The morning exercising were not that painful anymore. I manage to made some friends…and had trouble with them afterwards. *drama* I manage to be a superstar in the camp by singing in few oh-so-glam occasions, walked in the forest alone, experienced so many things that well, I might only experienced it once in my lifetime. .

So just now, when I had trouble sleeping, I “digged” my old diary and came across the wrath, where I tried to note down every activities that I did for the day, and how I felt on that day, what sh*t happened, and how I screw up and stuff. As I was reading, I could really see the things I did, you know like the whole scene came alive and flashed in front of me. It was pretty surreal.

Anyway reading that made me feel how much things has change in me, and how matured I am from the past. Things I’ve gained and lost, like people, heh.

Anyway, if anyofyou, are about to go to PLKN, my advice is don’t be afraid. I assure you that it is definitely going to memorable that you are going to treasure till the end of time. Of course, you will feel crappy, and so silly, sometimes you will wonder what the hell you doing here, but hey.. This is an experience that you will so enjoy, maybe for only once. So go ahead and embrace the opportunity. But of course, I would never go again if I was asked to go the second time! *are u freakin crazy??* haha!

I miss all my wira and wirati from kem sekakap mersing, first batch of 2006. I have their pictures, but I fail to remember their names. *sheesh*

That’s all I guess. My ramblings and memories on my days in PLKN. I still can’t sleep!

PS: did I tell ya’ll hw much I like blogging from my bb? So freaking convenient!

The new Revolution for the letter B

I loath myself for owning such a low self esteem sometimes. I have no trust in myself and because of my ‘full figure’ and my dark skin tone, I lose all my confidence at one go. I forget my values and how significant I am to anyone, and often dwell in unnecessary sorrow for how people making me feel so shallow at times. I’ve cried many nights to sleep and although I work out and stick to a diet plan, it’s either I give up easily or it just won’t work out.

But, a sudden realization.

I’ve seen Adele’s transformation. She got dump by a guy and that heartbreak she felt during that period of time have drive her up to the stardom. To me, she is one beautiful lady. One beautiful lady that owns that magnificent voice who is so mighty talented. That’s all I see. I don’t see anything other than that. She is so soulful and a woman who longs to be loved. She is now loved & adored by many, so many of us out there are so amazed and attracted to her but before all this ‘glamour’ & Hollywood, she was just an ordinary person, like me and like many of you out there. How would have she climb so high if she took time taking in all the criticism that people been throwing her all this while?

 

 

From year 2010, I’ve seen Amber Riley a.k.a Mercedes from Glee singing her heart out in the sitcom enchanting us with her powerful vocal and blinded me with only her extravagant voice. Over the years, I see only her beauty of her voice, and to me she looked so so beautiful. I can’t see anything wrong with her. To me she is perfect the way she is. I adore her.

Hence, I’ve realized that with great self esteem comes a beautiful you. Nobody can bring you down unless you allow them to do so. I mean no one is born perfect right. Everyone has the certain something that makes you feel awkward, shallow, or even self- judging. I get that all the time. Although I try to ignore the judgement or funny remarks about my size most of the time, it tends to get to my brain and soon mess with my heart, and it tells “You are not good enough”.

You ought to love yourself, take pride in whatever you doing. For an example, though someone comes up to me and say, “Oh my god! You sounded great!”  It’s like the greatest appreciation ever. But soon it’ll wear off and when someone said something about my size or color, my esteem level crashes to a state of no recovery. This gotta seriously stop, I am worried about this characteristic of mine, a dissatisfaction that has no cure. sigh

Hence, I am determined to love myself more, to definitely take pride in what I do, get myself acknowledged and recognized because I deserve to!

From now onwards, B stands for :-

BOLD

BEAUTIFUL

BRAVERY

BOMB!

BIG VOICE

BANG!

BACK WITH CONFIDENCE!!!

I believe all this are a rare package and when I manage to own all this, I will find my very own way to great achievements, and my very own STARDOM.

Resolutions? What resolutions?

Like it or not, this is a fact.

Half way through every year, most of us will barely stick to our resolutions routine and *cough* some will totally forget about it.

But when it comes to the last day of the year, I would definitely list out my resolutions without fail! Haha! When I recap my last year resolutions, I find that I have nailed at least one resolution successfully that is to *drum rolls*….

Practice and re-owned my voice, and active in singing again!

Wow, and that actually happen right? I am very proud of myself for being active again in singing and actually made a name in UTAR. See? Having resolutions is good, you will be motivated to achieve at least one out of 10 resolutions that you have made. Hee.

…and I also actually realize that since I am not really fulfilling all the resolutions, so it’s best to keep it simple for twentytwelve. So here it goes…

“Smile wide, stop expecting, stay happy, sing all I want, read more, be healthy, study smart, love hard, sleep enough, quit bad habits like nails biting, stay pretty,learn to forgive, spend wisely, lose weight, feel beautiful, feel good about myself, and be always always thankful”

Woah! That’s quite alot ain’t it? However they are quite basic so it’s okay I guess, achievable. Haha. =D

I would like to wish everyone A very blessed new year, my heartfelt wishes for all of you. Let’s hope it’s a year that brings endless joy and happiness to all of you. I really hope there won’t be so much stress or worries, and I’m praying so hard that my parents, rajesh & I will have good health throughout.  I’m wishing the same for all, enjoy the joy beginning of 2012! Btw, have you all watch NEW YEAR EVE? It’s a good movie, to kick start the new year!

GoodBye 2011, and Hello 2012!

….. So Happy New Year TwentyTwelve! Enjoy the day!!!!

Love is…

Love is…

when a guy told you that, your smile makes him rich, so please continue smiling. The exact same thing that he have said 5 years ago.

Just hearing that from him and makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. Ahhh..bliss.

Remember to say thanks…

3 more days , and it’s a brand new year and we will be about to leave behind all the awesome and *cough* awful memories behind and move on to embrace TwentyTwelve with wide open arms.  xD  What makes me who I am today is what took place in my life before and who ever was casting in the story of my life. =] So yeah, I really wish to give thanks to everyone and everything who were there. So I decide to list them out in “WHAT’S AWESOME?” &“WHAT’S UN-AWESOME?”  I know it doesn’t sounds cool, but then again I don’t really care, Shall we start then?

WHAT’S AWESOME?

• My courage to start the year so bravely. I remember my last year resolution was to be active in singing again, and the first thing I did when I go back to Uni was to sign up on a karaoke competition. In my opinion, I’ve done something so out of my boundary or break some rules, you know? Stuff like that. Turns out that, it was really the break that I need and my journey to be active in singing again, was actually happening.

 

 

• My Friend(s), for many obvious reasons. One of it was for being there, holding my hand, and walk through a certain rough phase with me. I can’t thank them enough for encouraging me and and stayed by me. *plays I’ll stand by you* ha-ha.

• My Family, Okay, they are not perfect. They are definitely model family, not or something, as my FAMILY consists my MOM & DAD only. And, we are not like any other normal family who actually can work it out and stuff like that, but guess what? They too have stood by me at the toughest point of my life, especially my mom. No matter how annoying she can get but, she is still the one who know what’s best for me. My dad too, who is as wise as Rafiki from THE LION KING, well..probably not as eccentric as Rafiki, but yeah, my dad is super wise, you can ask anyone in my family, which means you can ask only my MOM. xD

 

 

 

• All the good movies/ shows/sitcoms, for allowing me in forgetting all the sore and hardwork from school and practices and of course assignments! A good movie is really an amazing therapy for me. It is like a temporary get away to a whole new world for 1 1/2- 2 hrs, and I really treasure that brief precious time.

 

 

 

 

• The Good Samaritans, who has been IN and OUT of my life. I have no words to describe how thankful I am and how sad I REALLY am for losing you. Never imagined that , I had to lose you. Yes, I am talking to you. I am really sorry if I have done any mistake at all. I apologize dearly for that.

 

 

• Good Books.  Need I say more? I adore good books and it’s the same reason why I love to watch good shows and it’s another slower version of a getaway for me. Surely I don’t have that much of time to indulge in books but, I definitely have read some good books this year. Ohkay, I just read 2 books so far this year, (or maybe there’s more)? I’m not so sure, but the 2 books that I have read are by far the best.

 

 

• Gelato’s, yogurts, chocolates & fondue. All these guilty pleasure indulges are the best psychiatrist , and they comfort me in so many odd ways. I am so so thankful to these ‘babies’ in comforting me so well. Yum, tasty, yum again indulges. *multiple orga*m*

 

• Rajeshwaran Ramahlingam. For being an absolute sweetheart and also a complete douche at times, but that’s what makes me swell in joy. Thanks for giving me another ‘rock & roll’ , and awesome year, okay not really..but most definitely memorable. Really a memorable year. I wurve you.

 

 

 

 

• The Moron 6. Never in my dreams I ever thought that I will be a female vocalist in a BAND. A BAND!!! How sick is that? I owe a big time to Alex for introducing me to the whole world of band and also  a debut recording with the douchebags. Then, Moron 6 came along, and BOOM! We are performing! Okay,it was just 2 performances, but hey! It was 2 MEGA huge events and we get to perform , also it was an amazing opportunity to y’know get the right exposure. I love my morons, I just love all of us being together and jamm and waste our time getting the chords right, and singing it the right way, and all sort of other thing. It doesn’t matter if we manage to perform more in the future or not, but Moron 6 definitely earn a soft spot in my heart.

 

 

 

• WHEN YOU DARE TO DREAM- I have only one word to describe the team and the event, AWESOME! I love everyone there, Mira, Ruh shin, Preet, Pat, Sheldon, Daddy, Edward, Michael, Darrel, Adrianna, and Jess and practically everyone. I love the whole team, and they make me feel so complete in Kampar! It’s like one of the best thing that ever happen to me.

 

 

• My Best Best Friends- Yeah, I am talking about Sarah, Aiman & Ninna. I love them to bits. They rock my world although sometimes shit happens and make me feel terrible for a brief time. Eventually, they will say the right thing at the wrong time and straighten up everything. They will spend their precious time with me and make me feel so content and yeah Aiman, who’s such an a** sometimes, but I honestly can never imagine what I would do without all of you. I love you bit*hes.

 

 

 

• All the GUILTY PLEASURES.  And I am talking about all the beautiful clothes, high heels and sexy shoes, my expensive ‘KATE JAPAN” Foundation, and my beautiful Maybelline mascara, and Himalaya eyeliner, handbags and accessories that I have splurged on all these while to make me beeeyooh-ti-ful!

 

WHAT’S  UN-AWESOME?

• Losing the competition. Well, yeah.. I know, I should not take it as a big deal. But it was indeed the reason or they call as my stepping stone for making into who I am today. All my gigs started from there, from the very failure. It is a super unawesome phase of my life, but now I realize that I should be really thankful for that failure.

• More Failure. Those who are close to me, will  understand what I am talking about. And with God’s grace, I never want to go back to the same point of my life again. It was so difficult, that I lose my sleep for many nights. What’s worst was, I have put my Mom, Dad, Rajesh & even some of my friends in distress as well. I nearly had to stop my studies and thanks to some spiritual guidance or whatsoever  actually walk/ helped me passed that scary nightmare. Nevertheless, it was also a lesson to learn about people and circumstances. It was so scary, so so scary.

• Friends. For many obvious reasons. That’s it. I rather not to elaborate more on this. Na-ah.

• Rela**ves. I rather not to say much on this either. It’s sensitive. *sigh* Well I think I should put it this way. I am comfortable the way I live right now, only me and my mom, dad, My so called happy family is sufficient for me. Yeah, that’s all.

• My financial crisis. Seems like I am financially dysfunctional for more than 3 years now and this is crazy. This madness has been following me my whole life and and I seriously don’t know when will this actually end. No matter what, I am quite thankful, and all this financial thingy doomed on me has made me spend wisely. The only thing that I will normally splurge on was food and maybe …bags? Ha-ha. But yeah, my incompetency of spending when I want to is a blessing actually. It restricts my spending behaviors, and I really treasure my stuff dearly because of the big M.

I guess there’s more stuff that I am thankful for, but this is like the longest post that I have ever posted, and it’s taking a toll on my tiny nailed- fingers. So I think it’s best to stop, and remember, be thankful for all the wonderful and also the awful stuff that made who you are today. Because, it’s important to look back and reminisce and finally realize “Wow! All that amazing thing actually happened to me?” and “Woah, seriously? All that shit actually happened to me?”. Haha. The feeling of reminiscing is remarkable, and teaches you gazillion of important lessons in our life, at least in my life, it did.

Cheers people.

Movie Mania post, yet again.

So, it’s not really movie, it’s a sitcom that I love recently.

..and yeah, call me slow-mo, but I am in much love with a sitcom that has been in town for centuries, and I just found the time to really watch it and guess what? I’m obsessing over it.

 

Favorite faces for now. =D

Yes, I am talking about “How I Met Your Mother” , a series which is totally brilliant!

..and that’s it. I don’t have much to say about it yet, but who knows about the future, yes? I may have hooked on it so much that I might blog about it almost everyday.

I’m Dreaming of a Purple Christmas

I remember updating a Christmas Eve post last year, and it’s happening again this year! I’ve post the title as “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”,  So I decide that if I am ever gonna post on Christmas eve again, I will be posting out my favorite colors along with the title. I am so glad that I am still practicing blogging and continue being so active!

When I was young, I used to wake up so early in the morning just to catch the Christmas Parade in TV2 and indulge in hot coffee and scrumptious breakfast. Then I remember watching Michael Jackson’s Concert every Christmas! After that, I will still stay in front of television and continue watching all the awesome shows and feeling so gleeful all day.

All that joy of Christmas was so simple but gave me so much of happiness, and I’ve never manage to do all that for past few years, but tomorrow is the day! I will finally be able to do all that tomorrow with warmth of my family and home cooked food. xD

Hereby, I am wishing all of you loving souls out there, A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS! It’s time to have a jolly good time and feel the love around you! I feel so blessed to have wonderful friends and family by my side in this blissful celebration and although I don’t celebrate this festival as much as anybody else, but I am glad that I am with my loved ones in celebrating the day. Wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a blessed day to everyone!

Can I hear some "awww" ???

 

 

Christmas Wishlist

Whether we like it or not, when we think about Christmas, one thing that will never fail to excite me is–  CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!

So being me, I came up with a Christmas wishlist that erm..never gonna realize anytime soon, but what’s the harm eh? Coming up with a wishlist can indirectly boost me to work for it maybe next year? Haha, so here it goes…

• I want an ipod so badly!

- Well, it’s been some time since I want a proper ipod, but didn’t get the chance to get one. Even ipod shuffle will do! T_T I’ve had couple of mp3′s and mp4, but I always had wanted an ipod, because the experience is so different from listening to ipod.

• I want all of these books, PEONY IN LOVE, EAT,PRAY, LOVE, THE THOUSAND SECRET SENSES.

- I’m so glad at least one of the book that I wanted- Peony in love has come to my hands finally. And thanks to dearest Yoke Fong for that. It’s her Christmas present to me, and I am loving it to bits. There’s 2 more to collect and it’s on the way soon. Meanwhile, I am going to enjoy Peony in love, and thanking Yokey dearly for that! Thanks babe.

Awesome pressie~~

Tadaaaa!

• Samsung S2!!!

-It’s kinda too much, I know. But a woman can dream right? I have been surveying all over for the price and settle for Samsung Ace instead, recently I’ve taken a liking towards Sony Ericsson’s latest model along with wen yun, but the price is still expensive, about RM 800. *sigh*

 

• Adele’s album- 21

- She is a genius, nuff said.

 

• IPAD 2

- I’m not longing for it, but it’s like a latest sensation or something, I see it everywhere! So yeah, kinda developed an interest in it, that’s all!

 

• More Vintage, More and more Vintage!!

- I can never get enough of vintage stuff, and I’ve found the right vintage store for that! But, it’s kinda pricey though, I guess it has to wait. All my beautiful cool vintage items. =D

 

• New Clothes, New Shoes!

- This is like every girl’s guilty pleasure. Need I say more?

 

Putting this list together made me feel that I am super duper materialistic and this list is almost impossible to achieve, but this is really fun. It actually made me   sort out what is more important and what I really want. More updates later, stay tuned!

 

I had a dream

Corny title again, but who cares eh?

But, it’s real. I really had like one of the most amazing dream ever. xD I love how the happy feeling overwhelm me when I wake up and I still remember the content of the dream vividly. Well, not all, but some real important details.

I dreamed that I was somewhere near the beach with so many of my relatives around. My mom side basically. I can’t remember my cousins though. =P Then, I saw tigers were running around the beach, actually playing with the visitors at the beach. Tigers + beach + playing with human= ???? Nevertheless it was really pleasant to see, but being a coward I am, I quickly took shelter with my uncle who sit somewhere not that visible but we had the best view of the ocean.

This is when the magic took place.

I saw a humongous creature surfacing slowly in the ocean, and I said excitedly  to my Uncle, “Look Periapa, there’s a whales!”.  It came to the surface with so much of gentleness and swam real calmly. I felt so peaceful then, looking at it swimming across the ocean so majestically. The sense of peacefulness that filled my heart then was so amazing which made me smile when I woke up today morning. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and being me, I immediately google to find out what it really mean, to dream about whales & tigers.

Humans are fascinated with whales. That fascination has played out in books, movies, and even in biblical lore. Sadly, fascination has not led to respect as whales have been exploited and needlessly hunted down – some species to the point of extinction. 

In waking life, whales are associated with intelligence, love and grace. But what do whales symbolize in dreams+ Below are some ideas. 

Unconscious and Intuition

As creatures who thrive in the deep waters of the ocean, whales may represent deep emotions. They may also symbolize one’s own intuition. The emotional energies that most people associate with whales are typically those of kindness, love, and protection. In dreams whales may be standing in for these emotions; they may symbolize that you are entering into a peaceful time in your life, or that you are getting more in touch with your intuition. Congratulations! 

Body Image

Human beings sometimes pervert the beauty of the whale into an insult, calling people they believe are overweight “whales”. Dreaming of a whale can therefore symbolize uncomfortable feelings about one’s own body. Women are often fed images through the media about what beauty is – images that are completely unrealistic and actually abnormal. Remember that dreams are report cards about what one feels about one’s self – they are not necessarily indications of what is actually true in waking life. It may be time to re-evaluate the image that you have of yourself and begin to love yourself for the rare, special being that you are!

-www.bellaonline.com

I can never agree more on the Body Image part! I know I am a bit too hard on myself that I never really love myself as I should have. Well, I guess that I should really start to love myself more then. About the “Unconscious and Intuition”- I sure hope that I am about to enter the peaceful time of my life as that is what I have been craving for a long time. The sense of peacefulness that I felt in my dream was so tranquil that I can’t wait to feel them for real.

Tigers

Strength in action, assertiveness, aggressiveness, no-nonsense, pro-active activity, taking pre-emptive action to avoid problems before they arise. Bravery and personal strength, integrity, ethics, or conscientiousness. Bravely doing the right thing. Dreaming of this animal can represent:

• Having too much of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being less this way
• Not having enough of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being more like this
• Someone or something in your real life with whom you associate one of these qualities (an event, situation, threat, etc.)

- en.mimi.hu

I can’t imagine myself owning the quality of a tiger. I am neither aggressive or pro-active or anything that they stated up there. Maybe I should be more like one? I don’t know, we’ll see.

This has been haunting me the whole day, I really want to blog about it and clear it off my chest. Now, I can concentrate better in my reading? Well, I hope so. xD

Here’s a picture of the majestic whales that came in my dream,(not the exact one lah! something like this!)

A blue whales *grabbed from Google*

Lists from A-Z

I came across another listing out game in La Vida Laura’s blog (I hope you don’t mind!) and decided to give it a try since I have nothing much to do and too much caffeine earlier, and that is keeping me awake. I can very well study but yeah.. it’s kinda fun though, to list out all the answers to this unlikely questions.You can try it out too!

• A: Age: 23
• B: Bed size: Now, its QUEEN SIZE. But when I’m back to Uni, it’s gonna be Single, (sad case..)
• C: Chore that you hate: I despise chores. I don’t enjoy doing any of them. But if I have to choose, spring cleaning!
• D: Dogs: Used to.
• E: Essential start to your day: Check my phone for the good morning message!
• F: Favorite color:  Olive green, purple, silver
• G: Gold or Silver: Gold!
• H: Height: 5″8 (I think!)
• I: Instruments you play: None. 
• J: Job title: Student. 
• K: Kids: Someday. At the moment, no.
• L: Live: Johor Bahru, Malaysia.
• M: Mother’s name: Santhi.
• N: Nicknames: Satt.
• O: Overnight hospital stays:  Nope.
• P: Pet peeves: I can think of so many. Being disrespectful while I am talking, as in shrug while I am saying something.
• Q: Quotation from a movie: “You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together.”
  ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook (As soon as I read this, I knew I am going to treasure the lines for good.)

• R: Right or left handed: Right
• S: Siblings: None.
• U: Underwear: Ugh? what?
• V: Vegetable you hate: Can I say all? 
• W: What makes you run late: Facebook. all the notifications decides to pour in when I’m about to leave. And procrastination too!
• X: X-Rays you’ve had: None, so far.
• Y: Yummy food that you make: Fried rice. According to Rajesh (my boyfriend), it’s heavenly. I surely hope so.
• Z: Zoo animal: Tigers & Lions. hehe.